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Self-help Junkie

The Answer is to Stop Searching for Answers

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Most of us having something we’re searching for.

“stopA different body. A better marriage. A fatter bank-account. Less anxiety. More confidence. Less shame.

I don’t know about you but for years I spent a lot of time chasing the specific things I was after. Looking for solutions to what I perceived as the problems of my life. That’s where self-help books and strategies came in.

But what if the solutions to the challenges that we’re chasing are not where we’re looking?

Here’s a specific example:

Throughout my life I’ve been, shall we say, financially challenged. Always living paycheque to paycheque, without savings and sometimes without the means to pay my bills. Part of this is rooted in the decade-long fixation I had on earning a living writing fiction, which didn’t work out, financially at least. It left me deeply in debt and, financially worse off in my early 50s than I was in my early 20s.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about money and thinking about ways to solve the problems I feel I’ve created. This chase is oriented outside myself. 

hound dog

I’m like a hound dog on the scent, tail up, nose down, galloping along trying to find the thing I’m looking for. My logical brain says that once I find that thing – in this example, financial stability – I’ll feel at peace and whole.

What if we’re already whole?

We chase the wind, trying to find solutions to what we believe is broken inside us. But what if there’s no need for that chase at all? 

If action was the answer, wouldn’t we be fixed by now? I lost track a long time ago of the number of self-help books I’ve read. Those well-intentioned books and authors only caused me to be more focused on my perceived brokenness. The list of strategies I employed to manage my feelings and change my behavior became so extensive it could have filled a book of its own.

For self-help junkies like us, the search, the chase, can become almost addictive. It feels like we have to be doing something in order to create positive change in our lives.

Set the problem down

Since coming across the Three Principles, what I keep being reminded of is that when I feel I have a ‘problem’ the solution is to set it down. 

raindrop on leaf

That seems counter-intuitive, and sometimes it’s very hard to convince my brain, which loves solving problems, to let things go and stop trying to fix them. But again and again, I’m reminded that chasing answers isn’t the answer.  Ironically the chase ends up leading us farther away from what we seek.

Wisdom always lies inside us. It is always there for us. No matter what.

What I seem to need most to learn is to stop chasing around outside myself and instead slow down, wait, and listen. 

When you have a problem to solve, are you able to see the wisdom in not chasing the answer? Please leave your thoughts below and join the conversation.

[Woman sitting image courtesy Myles Tan and Unsplash. Hound photo courtesy Adam Muise and Unsplash. Rain drop image courtesy Ed Leszczynski and Unsplash.]

Breaking the Habit of Fixing Ourselves

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There’s a reason I refer to myself and those I work with as ‘self-help junkies’.

“breakingMaybe you can relate to this. We innocently got in the habit of thinking of ourselves as broken. As a result we diligently and perhaps even relentlessly work at ‘fixing’ ourselves. Reading books. Taking classes. Focusing on the things we think are wrong with us and trying to make them better. The old paradigm of psychology told us this was necessary and we took that to heart.

It can be hard to break that habit. I’m trying to do that now and I find my thoughts automatically turn to what I can work on re: myself. 

How do we let go of the habit of fixing ourselves?

I don’t have a definitive answer for that but I have a few clues and things I’ve been trying.

1. As often as I can, I try to remember that there is something greater at play within me than just me and my thoughts. When I remember this, I imagine I’m lying on my back in a gently flowing river. I am entirely supported by the river, and yet I don’t control its path in any way. I’m not in charge. The river is.

2. I try to listen to my body. If I need a nap, I take a nap. If I don’t feel like doing something I normally enjoy, I don’t do it. And conversely, if I feel like doing something I don’t normally do, I try it. 

3. I try to notice my thought-storms for what they are. They are not the truth about me. They are not the ultimate answer about my habits or my state of being. Thought is tempoarary. Always. Even when it affects my mood and makes me feel like crap, I try to remember that it will not last. And that in a few moments or hours I will feel different.

4. I remind myself about insight. If I’m not feeling particularly insightful at a given moment, I try to remember that insight changes everything. When we see differently, we do differently. We can’t bully ourselves into changing, though we have sure tried! We cannot force insight, but perhaps we can cultivate an environment where it has an easier time reaching us. I try to cultivate that environment by doing the things I’ve listed above as often as I can remember to. 

5. And finally, I give myself a break. If I’m not changing fast enough I remind myself that it’s not up to me. I’m doing my best by looking in the direction that the Three Principles point. 

If I could sum up this post in one word it would be: relax. Or: soften. 

I remember my mother reading me a picture book when I was really young. It was a fable about the sun and the wind. You’ve likely heard it as well. It goes like this:

windy day

The north wind challenges the sun to a competition to determine who is stronger. They see a man walking around a city and the wind says, “I bet I can get that man to take off his coat and you can’t.”

“You’re on,” says the sun.

The wind puffs up its cheeks and blows as hard as it can, intending to blow the man’s coat off his body. In the town square, where the man in walking, newspapers go flying, ladies hats are ripped from their heads, flags flap on their poles and are in danger of ripping away. 

The man in question leans into the wind on his walk and pulls his overcoat even more tightly around him.

The cold north wind blows even harder, sending people scurrying inside, away from its wrath. 

The man walks on, gripping his coat and while it flaps around its legs it doesn’t come off because of his tight grip.

Eventually the wind stops blowing. “That coat will not come off,” the wind says to the sun. “No amount of strength will get it to move. It’s impossible.”

sunny meeting room

The sun nods. “Perhaps you’re right.” And then the suns rays begin to warm the stones in the town square. Cats come out of hiding and lie in sunbeams. Flowers turn their heads toward the warmth. Ladies straighten their hair and put on their sunglasses. All is quiet and soft as the sun glows brightly in the sky.

The man who is the object of the wager between the sun and the wind, notices how warm he is getting as he walks. He unties the belt on his overcoat, and unbuttons the buttons. He shrugs his left arm out of the sleeve, and then the right. He pulls the coat off and folds it over one arm as he continues on his way.

Sometimes the best action we can take is no action at all. The more I understand about the Principles, the more I see that change comes when we simply look in the direction of the way we work, rather than when we try to force ourselves to change.

Are you able to step out of the habit of constantly trying to fix yourself? Please leave your thoughts below and join the conversation.

[Sunny meadow image courtesy Niklas Hamann and Unsplash. Windy image courtesy Josh Edgoose and Unsplash. Sunny meeting room image courtesy Bethany Legg and Unsplash.]