Stop Suffering About

Connect to your innate well-being.

Alexandra Amor

What’s the difference between an insight and an idea?

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How do we know when we’ve had an insight?

“ideaIn our exploration of the three principles of innate health and well-being, we mention insight quite a bit. One of the questions I had when I first started learning about the principles was how do I know the difference between an insight and an idea that my brain offers?

Here then are a few things I’ve observed about that in the past year or so. These experiences apply whether I’m experiencing a deeper level of understanding about how my mind works and when I’m looking for information about what to do next.

Insight changes everything. When we’re searching for answers about the truth of ourselves or a situation, the oft-quoted explanation is that with insight, “Nothing has changed, but everything is different.” That has certainly been my experience.

With insight, we suddenly see a situation or pattern of behavior in an entirely new light. The feeling I get at those times is often one of, “Oh, now I get it.”  My experience has been that this flavor of insight can be like a sudden mental jolt; sometimes my jaw drops open or I freeze in my tracks. Other times, it is more subtle and I simply notice a small shift within myself.

Insight feels soft. For me, ideas from my brain come with a different quality than insights. They are often just as valuable and beneficial – where would we be without ideas? But ideas are more obvious and don’t have that quality where things feel like they’ve shifted. The easiest way I have to explain it is that ideas feel like they come from my brain and insight feels like it comes from somewhere else in my body. A more central place. My solar plexus perhaps. But please don’t get caught up in that explanation. That’s just one way I have of describing the difference. For you, it might be very different.

Boots and water

Further to the idea that insight feels soft, it also feels peaceful to me. When I had my recent computer problems and needed to know what to do next, my brain was putting forth lots of ideas about what I could do. And one thing I noticed was that those ideas, while they felt logical, they didn’t feel peaceful.

So I waited. I waited until something landed with me that felt calm and peaceful. The insight to email the computer company was entirely absent of fear and any kind of panic. I felt utterly calm. To me, that pointed to insight.

Invisible insight. And then I’ve only recently started to realize that sometimes insight is invisible and undetectable. This happens when, with hindsight, I can see that something in me has shifted and I feel different about a situation, but without any conscious awareness of having had insights about that situation. An example from my life of invisible insight is when, without warning, I stopped feeling the desire to drink soda pop at lunch.

A caveat. I hesitated to write this post because I don’t want to imply that insight has to feel a certain way, or that you need to feel certain things in order to label something as insight. Because that’s not the case at all. And I’m also not trying to demonize ideas.

footprints on a beach

Syd Banks talked all the time about ‘following the good feeling’ and I think insight is a perfect example of that. Our problem-solving brains are often throwing ideas at us, especially when we’re worried or fearful about something, but those ideas don’t always come with a good feeling.

What I have found is that the more I learn to look for a good feeling in an idea or insight, the more peaceful and calm my life is.

Whether information you receive is from your brain or insight doesn’t really matter. What matters, it seems, is how it’s making you feel. When we are in touch with our wholeness and our innate well-being we feel good. And insights that feel good can remind us of our default setting of peace, calm and wellness. 

Perhaps insight can be thought of as arrows, pointing us back to our innate health.

I’d love to know your expeirence with noticing the difference (if any) between ideas and insight. Please leave your thoughts below and join the conversation.

[Light bulbs image courtesy Tomas Robertson and Unsplash. Boots and water image courtesy Sylwia Bartyzel and Unsplash. Beach footprints photo courtesy Zack Minor and Unsplash.]

Exploring the Power and Possibilities in the Unknown with Dawn Krieger

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“DawnWe all have access, all the time, to wisdom and well-being. The paradox of life is that we so often are unaware that this is so. I’ve only just begun to figure it out myself. Our busy minds seem to have a habit of convincing us that they have all the answers. But there’s another way to live our lives that is more peaceful and less fraught.

In today’s interview, Dawn Krieger brings that home with examples from her own life as well as her experiences working with clients.

In the introduction I mention being on a webinar last week with Christian McNeill. Click here to listen and watch. (My dear friend Lorraine makes a surprise appearance!)

Dawn Krieger

Dawn Krieger is a transformational life coach, workshop facilitator, and Three Principles practitioner. She started her journey as a social worker out of college and learned a lot about the resilience of the human spirit, compassion and personal well-being.

She shifted to individual and group coaching while getting her master’s in Spiritual Psychology at the University of Santa Monica. Dawn experiences a great joy when she sees her clients connect back into their personal truth, listening more consistently to how their well-being is always guiding them, and seeing them live life from the good feeling within as they slow down and listen.

You can find Dawn at DawnKriegerCoaching.com

You can listen above or on iTunes or your favorite podcast app. Below are the show highlights and full transcript.

Show Notes

  • From healing to working in construction and back again
  • Approaching a solopreneur business with a relaxed state of mind
  • Listening to our own wisdom while growing a coaching practice
  • The simple work of redirecting clients to see their own wisdom and well-being
  • Focusing on the fun and creativity in business, rather than feeling pressure
  • The power found in the unknown
  • How our state of mind affects how we feel about the unknown
  • On beginning to trust even the uncomfortable moments
Continue reading…

Breaking the Habit of Fixing Ourselves

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There’s a reason I refer to myself and those I work with as ‘self-help junkies’.

“breakingMaybe you can relate to this. We innocently got in the habit of thinking of ourselves as broken. As a result we diligently and perhaps even relentlessly work at ‘fixing’ ourselves. Reading books. Taking classes. Focusing on the things we think are wrong with us and trying to make them better. The old paradigm of psychology told us this was necessary and we took that to heart.

It can be hard to break that habit. I’m trying to do that now and I find my thoughts automatically turn to what I can work on re: myself. 

How do we let go of the habit of fixing ourselves?

I don’t have a definitive answer for that but I have a few clues and things I’ve been trying.

1. As often as I can, I try to remember that there is something greater at play within me than just me and my thoughts. When I remember this, I imagine I’m lying on my back in a gently flowing river. I am entirely supported by the river, and yet I don’t control its path in any way. I’m not in charge. The river is.

2. I try to listen to my body. If I need a nap, I take a nap. If I don’t feel like doing something I normally enjoy, I don’t do it. And conversely, if I feel like doing something I don’t normally do, I try it. 

3. I try to notice my thought-storms for what they are. They are not the truth about me. They are not the ultimate answer about my habits or my state of being. Thought is tempoarary. Always. Even when it affects my mood and makes me feel like crap, I try to remember that it will not last. And that in a few moments or hours I will feel different.

4. I remind myself about insight. If I’m not feeling particularly insightful at a given moment, I try to remember that insight changes everything. When we see differently, we do differently. We can’t bully ourselves into changing, though we have sure tried! We cannot force insight, but perhaps we can cultivate an environment where it has an easier time reaching us. I try to cultivate that environment by doing the things I’ve listed above as often as I can remember to. 

5. And finally, I give myself a break. If I’m not changing fast enough I remind myself that it’s not up to me. I’m doing my best by looking in the direction that the Three Principles point. 

If I could sum up this post in one word it would be: relax. Or: soften. 

I remember my mother reading me a picture book when I was really young. It was a fable about the sun and the wind. You’ve likely heard it as well. It goes like this:

windy day

The north wind challenges the sun to a competition to determine who is stronger. They see a man walking around a city and the wind says, “I bet I can get that man to take off his coat and you can’t.”

“You’re on,” says the sun.

The wind puffs up its cheeks and blows as hard as it can, intending to blow the man’s coat off his body. In the town square, where the man in walking, newspapers go flying, ladies hats are ripped from their heads, flags flap on their poles and are in danger of ripping away. 

The man in question leans into the wind on his walk and pulls his overcoat even more tightly around him.

The cold north wind blows even harder, sending people scurrying inside, away from its wrath. 

The man walks on, gripping his coat and while it flaps around its legs it doesn’t come off because of his tight grip.

Eventually the wind stops blowing. “That coat will not come off,” the wind says to the sun. “No amount of strength will get it to move. It’s impossible.”

sunny meeting room

The sun nods. “Perhaps you’re right.” And then the suns rays begin to warm the stones in the town square. Cats come out of hiding and lie in sunbeams. Flowers turn their heads toward the warmth. Ladies straighten their hair and put on their sunglasses. All is quiet and soft as the sun glows brightly in the sky.

The man who is the object of the wager between the sun and the wind, notices how warm he is getting as he walks. He unties the belt on his overcoat, and unbuttons the buttons. He shrugs his left arm out of the sleeve, and then the right. He pulls the coat off and folds it over one arm as he continues on his way.

Sometimes the best action we can take is no action at all. The more I understand about the Principles, the more I see that change comes when we simply look in the direction of the way we work, rather than when we try to force ourselves to change.

Are you able to step out of the habit of constantly trying to fix yourself? Please leave your thoughts below and join the conversation.

[Sunny meadow image courtesy Niklas Hamann and Unsplash. Windy image courtesy Josh Edgoose and Unsplash. Sunny meeting room image courtesy Bethany Legg and Unsplash.]

Freedom From Chronic PTSD with Monique Koven

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“MoniqueIn the old paradigm of psychology, we work from the outside in, layering tools and strategies on top of whatever issue or problem we’re dealing with. In the new paradigm that we discuss on this podcast, those tools and strategies become unnecessary as we discover that our experience of life comes from the inside, coming alive within us, moment-to-moment, and, just like the weather or the ocean tides, doesn’t require any ‘management’ of it on our part.

Today I talk to coach Monique Koven about her experience with chronic PTSD, which developed as a result of childhood abuse, and all the things she did to manage that until she came across the three principles. If you’ve ever dealt with any kind of trauma, I think you’re going to get a ton out of this conversation with Monique.

Monique Koven is a certified trauma recovery and resilience coach. She has worked for over twenty-five years as a social worker. She was diagnosed with chronic PTSD and anxiety as a result of childhood trauma and abuse. She spent decades trying to find the right therapeutic modality to fix her.

Today she is fully recovered and no longer believes that she was ever broken. She believes that everyone has innate resilience, mental well-being and peace of mind. She also believes that you can move forward with your life because resilience is part of our design.

You can find Monique at MoniqueKovenCoaching.com

You can listen above or on iTunes or your favorite podcast app. Below are the show highlights, resources we mention, and full transcript.

Show Notes

  • On feeling isolated by C-PTSD
  • How our innate resilience keeps us looking for answers because we know we are well and whole
  • The huge self-help toolboxes we have that aren’t helpful
  • The liberation and hopefulness that comes with understanding where our experience comes from
  • Learning that there’s nothing we need to do about memories from the past
  • Why having a compassionate witness for trauma is important
  • The affect chronic stress has on our bodies and how to change that
continue reading…

You Will Always Know What To Do

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Whether you’re consciously aware of it or not, you’re always connected to the intelligence that flows through everything.

“YouThe same unknowable intelligence that makes the sun shine and enables plants to turn carbon dioxide into oxygen and sends monarch butterflies south in winter also flows through you. This intelligence, which we can call nature or the universe or the Force, is available to anyone, anywhere, in any given moment.

Including you.

As humans, with big, problem-solving brains, we like to plan. We like to know what’s going to happen and plan accordingly. We like to feel as though we are in control. And very often when we are in the unknown, we are uncomfortable.

Wisdom lives in the present

The irony is that it is in the unknown where we are often met with wisdom.

When we know (or think we know) what’s going to happen, we have no need to rely on the wisdom that we have access to in every moment. But when the unexpected happens, that’s when we can reach for, and always rely on, wisdom to guide us.

I had a good example of this recently when my computer’s motherboard crapped out. When I received the diagnosis, I called the computer company to talk to them about whether they would cover the cost to replace this vital piece of computer hardware. The reason I was intent on them paying for the replacement was that I had paid to replace the motherboard just 10 months earlier. It didn’t seem right to me that I should have to do it again so soon.

The answer from the computer company was no. The previous motherboard had a 90-day warranty. “We’re very sorry, Ms. Amor,” came the answer, “there’s nothing we can do.” There were legal issues involved, they explained; one customer can’t be treated differently than another, hence the need for strict policies about repair and replacement.

I understood, but in this case the answer didn’t seem right to me. Or fair. But I didn’t know what to do about the answer I’d received. The rep I’d spoken to was very helpful and dug into the company policies, going above and beyond what he was probably required by his job. But still the answer was no.

Set it down

So I left the issue alone. I was upset and just let myself feel that, knowing it would pass. The next morning I woke feeling calmer, but no less clear about what to do.

I started my day and did what I’ve learned to do since discovering the three principles. I think it was in Michael Neil’s book SuperCoach where he says, “When you don’t know what to do, do nothing.”

That’s what I did.

I went along with my day, not really thinking about the computer issue, even though it was a big deal in the life of this online entrepreneur. Without my computer, I’m not able to work. I knew that if I left the issue alone, and didn’t stir it up with lots of thinking, that an answer about what to do would come to me.

The intelligence that flows through everything would inform me about what I should do.

And it did.

computer

Just about lunchtime, on the day after I’d received the computer diagnosis, I got an inclination to send an email to the rep I’d spoken to the day before. So I did that, outlining the reasons I didn’t accept that paying to replace a motherboard after 10 months was fair or right. I was calm and polite in my email, but also firm.

As I pressed send, I also knew something else. If this idea didn’t work, then something else would occur to me. Wisdom would arise and suggest what I could do at the next step. And the next.

Happily, for this story, my email did convince the computer company to take another look at my case and decide they would be able to pay for the motherboard. Problem solved.

Trusting in wisdom

Before I learned about the three principles, this type of situation would have had me feeling extremely stressed, vulnerable, and panicky. And all those churned up thoughts and feelings would have likely led me to make some bad decisions during such a computer failure: things like perhaps getting impatient or even rude with the rep who was trying to help me, or lashing out at those close to me, simply because I didn’t know what to do and I was worried about that.

Thankfully I have learned that wisdom is always, always available to us. We are made of the same atoms and energy that everything is made of. I was blind to this until it was pointed out to me. Now that I know it, it seems so obvious, and I can’t believe I didn’t see it myself ages ago.

Your access to wisdom

When you have a problem or a worry, what’s your usual response to that? Does it involve overthinking or fearful thinking? My responses to problems sure did!

I invite you to wait for wisdom the next time you have a problem to solve. It doesn’t have to be a big problem; anything you’re uncertain about works. Especially if you feel stuck or if the solutions you’ve tried for this problem in the past haven’t worked. Try setting the problem down and waiting.

Wisdom and insight are infinitely creative. I bet you’ll be surprised by the answers that arise. And if the first thing doesn’t work, wait and try the next idea that comes along.

Do you have an example where you’ve remembered to access wisdom to solve a problem? Please leave your thoughts below and join the conversation.

[Road sign image courtesy John Gibbons and Unsplash. Two paths image courtesy Vladislav Babienko and Unsplash. Computer image courtesy Iabzd and Unsplash.]

Making Room For Our Humanness With Rohini Ross

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“RohiniIn early 2019 I experienced an almost three-month long period of depression, which was not something I’d ever encountered before. The friend who had introduced me to the 3 Principles knew what I was going through and sent me a quote from Rohini Ross’s newsletter. That quote changed many things for me, including giving me some understanding of what I was going through and why.

In this podcast episode, I talk to Rohini about that phenomenon and much more, including her lighthearted and often joyful Facebook Live series of videos on relationships that she does with her husband, Angus.
Rohini Ross

Rohini Ross is passionate about helping people wake up to their full potential. She’s a transformative coach, leadership consultant, a regular blogger for Thrive Global and the author of the short read Marriage: the Soul Centered Series book number one, which is available on Amazon.

Rohini has an international coaching and consulting practice based in Los Angeles, helping individuals, couples, and professionals embrace all of who they are so they can experience greater levels of well-being, resiliency and success.

She is also the founder of the Soul Centered Series: Psychology, Spirituality and the teachings of Sydney Banks.

You can find Rohini at RohiniRoss.com.

You can listen above or on iTunes or your favorite podcast app. Below are the show highlights, resources we mention, and full transcript.

Show Notes

  • On the cause of professional burnout, and the cure
  • How we can misinterpret our feelings of shame or unworthiness, and think they mean something
  • The unexpected source of our suffering
  • Finding long-sought freedom by understanding how the human experience works
  • Making room for our own humanness, and that of those around us
  • Transforming a marriage by understanding the 3 Principles
  • How our humanness is not something we need to overcome
  • What can happen when our minds slow down and we stop living from fear and adrenaline
  • What is the real source of creativity and inspiration when we’re not driving ourselves forward?

Resources mentioned in this episode

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