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Archives for April 2019

When Life’s Got You Down…Just Wait?

April 29, 2019 By Alexandra Amor

Perhaps we can view our low moods as transformational rather than disruptive or annoying.

“doingYears ago I read an excellent travel memoir by Canadian doctor Kevin Patterson called The Water In Between. Until I read that book I had no idea what the origin of the word ‘doldrums’ was and that they were an actual thing.

Patterson and a friend were sailing from Vancouver Island to Hawaii. At a certain point near the equator in the vast expanse of the Pacific Ocean, the winds died down, the sails went slack, and the boat stopped moving. The men couldn’t use the ship’s motor, because they’d run out of gas long before they reached the edge of the flat calm.

So they wait.

And wait.

And then they wait some more.

What does this have to do with our explanation of the inside-out understanding?

We like to think we’re in control. As humans, we are almost always caught up in the illusion that we are in control of our lives. After all, we make fire and build shelter!

But when we take a step back, we can see that we are actually in control of very little. We don’t control our thoughts. Or our moods. (Sometimes we like to think we control these things, but when we look at it objectively we can see we don’t.) We don’t control those around us (though we often try). We don’t control when we’re born, or when and how we die (usually). We don’t control the children we have, if we have them, or the parents we have, or the siblings. We don’t control the era we’re born into. 

My point is, we actually have a lot less control than we think we do.

Which brings me to the doldrums. The flat calm. Just like the ships that encounter this phenomenon during ocean travel, as humans we experience it as well. Times when, without any input from ourselves, we experience a time of an extended low mood. 

And just like the men in the sailing boat, the more we relax into these periods, the less suffering we’ll experience. If the men on the boat had fretted and fussed and complained about what was happening to them, they would have exponentially increased their suffering. But they knew enough to simply wait it out. They knew that what they were experiencing was natural and that the wind would pick up again, eventually.

The same goes for us when we’re in a low mood, or even a depression.

In January of this year, I experienced just such a period of doldrums. It went on for a couple of months and was, to say the least, not comfortable. I felt like my personality had been surgically removed. I cared for nothing. I was tired much of the time, yet I was sleeping badly. I lost enthusiasm for everything in my life. It was not a very nice time.

But the saving grace for me was that I knew it was temporary and completely natural. Just as the tide comes in, it must go out. And because of this understanding, I knew that if I fought how I was feeling I would only increase my suffering.

sleeping golden retriever

I’m going through something sort of similar right now. The difference is that with this stretch of doldrums, I’m exhausted all the time. I sleep for nine hours a night and wake up exhausted. I usually need a two-hour nap in the middle of the day. When I go for a walk, which I do nearly every day and have for 30 years, I feel like I’m walking though molasses. Like my limbs have no strength. 

But I know that this too shall pass.

When these periods of flat calm do eventually pass, I find that they are transformative. When my depression ended this past February, I suddenly had the idea for this website and the podcast.

I was just about to start creating an online course when this current spell of exhaustion hit. So instead, I’m going to wait. My sense is that some fresh new idea is coming, and the exhaustion I’m experiencing is my body/higher self’s way of telling me to wait. Just hold off taking any action for a bit, and see what happens.

Maybe this doesn’t happen to you. But I wanted to write about this phenomenon in case you do experience it or something like it. 

The intelligence behind life that is flowing through us knows so much better than us about everything. When we relax into that flow, and fight it less, we suffer less. 

I could push myself during this time, chastising myself for being tired. But that approach would only increase my suffering.

Instead I choose to relax into what’s flowing through me at this moment. Take naps when I need to. Be less productive, if that’s what’s required.

The doldrums DO end. The wind does pick up again and the sailors continue on to Hawaii. 

For us, it is the same. No mood lasts forever. And perhaps when this mood lifts, there will be a new land on the horizon that we could not have envisioned earlier.

When you’re in a low mood, do you struggle with it? Or are you able to let it flow through you? Please leave your thoughts below and join the conversation.

[Wave image courtesy Tim Marshall and Unsplash. Sailboat image courtesy Kristel Hayes and Unsplash. Sleeping dog image courtesy Mark Zamora and Unsplash.]

This post is not a substitute for medical advice.

Why You’re Not Broken with Christian McNeill

April 24, 2019 By Alexandra Amor

http://media.blubrry.com/stopsufferingabout/p/s3-us-west-2.amazonaws.com/ssapodcast/Ep7ChristianMcNeill.m4a

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“doingWhen I first began exploring the Three Principles, one of the most difficult ideas to get my head around was that we are all whole, always, no matter what has happened to us in our lives. In this interview with Christian McNeill, we touch on this as it relates to ‘healing’ from our past and also as it relates to grief we may experience in the present.
Stop suffering about being broken

In the introduction, I mention this blog post, where I discuss my diminishing need to comfort myself as I explore this understanding. And I also mention the post about my daily soda habit that dropped away recently. You can read that here. (Or listen to it. I also recorded it as an audio file.)

And I also mention the new ebook and audiobook that’s available that ties in so beautifully with the topic of this interview. You can get your free copy of Stop Suffering About Being Broken (Because You’re Not) here.

Christian McNeill

Christian McNeill is a 50-something coach and trainer, living in Glasgow, Scotland. She’s the mother to two grown children and was a lawyer for over 30 years. In her 20s, she got over a drinking problem and, for many years, she had a secret side career of trying to be happy. In early 2011, she stumbled across the Three Principles Paradigm and discovered how to be happy without trying. She now works with individuals and organizations, helping them to flourish. She also teaches and mentors others wishing to learn about the Three Principles Paradigm. And today, her side career is as a yoga teacher.

You can find Christian at ElementsOfWellBeing.net

You can listen above or on iTunes or your favorite podcast app or watch the video here. Highlights, notes, resources and full transcript below.

Show Notes

  • On the varying ways people react to their busy minds
  • Christian’s observation that using old healing paradigms no-one gets past their childhood trauma
  • The essence of everyone that is whole and unbreakable
  • A different outlook on the past once we understand the nature of Thought
  • On the nature of grief and exploring that from the inside-out
Continue Reading…

The Diminishing Need to Comfort Myself

April 22, 2019 By Alexandra Amor

As we begin to understand what Thought really is, our need to protect ourselves from our personal thinking and our feelings naturally drops away.

“doingI’ve been someone who pretty consistently felt a deep need to comfort myself throughout my adult life. It was the way I figured out how to cope with life and with the thoughts and sometimes uncomfortable feelings I was having. I used food, television, routine, and wine to a certain extent, to soothe and comfort myself about life.

For example, each evening just before supper time, I would try to think of a comforting TV show that I could watch with my dinner. Something I loved, usually something lighthearted with kind characters and a few laughs. I’m more a Parks and Recreation and Grace and Frankie person than Game of Thrones or Breaking Bad.

vintage tv

At times, of course, there were things to watch that I enjoyed, especially during the regular North American TV season between October and May. But at other times, I had watched everything I could find that comforted me. So I’d go back and rewatch old episodes, though that was less satisfying and I felt less comforted. Or I’d go on a desperate search to find a movie or new TV show that would fill my need for comfort.

I could see what I was doing. I knew I was seeking comfort or soothing. Some people call this ‘numbing’ but that description didn’t seem to accurately describe my experience. And it seemed judgmental or blaming. I was already feeling bad enough about myself, I didn’t need to heap another judgment on top of that.

This pattern went on for years; eating for comfort, trying to find TV shows that felt comforting, drinking one glass of wine too many at night. I hated it.

Outside-In Strategies

I knew something was wrong and I tried desperately to ‘fix’ myself so that I wouldn’t need comforting. I thought if I meditated more or worked really hard to ‘rewire my brain’ so that I spent more time in positive thinking I wouldn’t need to be soothed. I did more yoga and tried to learn to speak to myself in a more loving and compassionate way. None of it worked.

Not that there’s anything wrong with any of these techniques, but I can now see they were all outside-in approaches. When we try to fix or soothe ourselves from the outside-in, it’s like playing whack-a-mole, as Amanda Jones and I recently discussed. 

The reason outside-in approaches don’t work is that it is the nature of our thoughts to change and fluctuate all the time. By trying to fix or change our thinking and the moment-to-moment energy of thought that is flowing through us, we’re attempting to harness the wind. It’s just not possible.

elevator

But when we are introduced to the idea that the flowing nature of thought is completely natural, and the rise and fall of consciousness that we all go through all day, every day, is also completely normal, then we begin to understand that there’s no need to change or ‘fix’ our thinking.

[For more on the ‘elevator of consciousness’ listen to this episode of the Little Peace of Mind podcast with Shannon Cooper.]

And with that awareness, I noticed my need to comfort myself dropping away all by itself. I’m not using will-power to stop bad habits. I’m learning about the nature of thought and how our minds really work, and my habit of trying to comfort myself is dropping away all by itself.

Suddenly in the evenings I don’t feel the desperate need for comfort TV any longer. I feel peaceful enough to read or to take online courses.

Here’s something really unexpected: my kitchen is cleaner than it’s ever been. I used to let the dishes pile up for 2 or 3 days because I needed to spend my time in the evening comforting myself with TV, not doing a chore like the dishes that didn’t comfort me at all.

Now, because I have less need for comfort, I simply get up after supper and do the dishes right away. And it happened naturally. I didn’t need to bargain with myself or promise myself a treat. It just happened.

I had been dealing with the desperate need to comfort myself for 30 years. To see it drop away on its own is nothing short of miraculous. 

All thanks to the simple awareness of the misunderstanding about how humans work.

Have you noticed any unexpected shifts in your behavior, subtle or otherwise, since learning about this understanding? Please leave your thoughts below and join the conversation.

[Teddy image courtesy Marina Shatskih and Unsplash. Vintage TV image courtesy Sven Scheuermeier and Unsplash. Elevator image courtesy Sara Kurfeb and Unsplash.]

Creating Those Around Us Through the Lens of Thought with Jill Whalen

April 17, 2019 By Alexandra Amor

http://media.blubrry.com/stopsufferingabout/p/s3-us-west-2.amazonaws.com/ssapodcast/Ep6JillWhalen.m4a

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“doingJill Whalen is an author and coach who explores the Inside Out understanding. In this wide-ranging interview we talk about her book about anxiety and its relation to being innocently caught up in our thinking, as well as how Jill’s relationships to those around her changed as she learned more about the 3 Principles. Her website is a treasure trove of articles and information about this understanding and I highly recommend you check that out.

In the introduction, I mention the wildly creative and beautiful videos that Kate E. Stokes has done about this understanding. They are such an inventive way to explore the inside-out nature of thought. You can learn more and find those videos here. (See if you recognize the voice of the caterpillar in the third video. He might sound familiar.) 😉

And I also share a personal story about my exploration of this understanding as it relates to a situation in my family and my reflections on what the Principles can mean to us during challenging times.

Jill Whalen is the author of the book, Victim of Thought: Seeing Through the Illusion of Anxiety, as well as an inspirational blogger at whatdidyoudowithjill.com. She also has many transformative videos on her YouTube channel, which is YouTube/jillwhalen, and she’s happy to speak with anyone seeking more overall peace of mind.

You can find Jill at whatdidyoudowithjill.com

You can listen above or on iTunes or your favorite podcast app or watch the video here. Below are the show highlights, resources we mention, and full transcript.

Show notes

  • Exploring how our identity changes and how that’s possible
  • On the personal insights that occur when we’re exploring the principles
  • Reflections on addiction around relationships and the insights that changed that
  • How we create an idea of the people in our lives through our thoughts
  • How the principles help the caregivers of those with mental illness

Resources mentioned in this episode

Victim of Thought
  • Jill’s book, Victim of Thought
  • Hay House Radio
  • The 3 Principles movie site
  • The Primal Happiness podcast
Continue Reading…

Problem Solving With Less Thinking

April 15, 2019 By Alexandra Amor

When you have a problem that’s bothering you, do you let your thinking get in the way of finding a solution?

“doingI was looking at a post in a Facebook group recently and someone asked a question about a decision she was trying to make. The poster’s husband was going on a trip to a faraway land and he had asked her to go with him. As someone who has been dealing with anxiety for a long time, she wasn’t sure if she should go. The idea of the flight was anxiety-inducing, not to mention the smells, sounds, and chaos of the country they’d be visiting.

She’d been mulling over whether to go or not for some time. Some moments her mind thought it was a good idea; it would stretch her out of her comfort zone, she’d be able to practice traveling with less anxiety. She had been learning about the inside out understanding and knew that her experiences, including anxiety, did not come from circumstances or experiences outside herself. She was also learning that every thought (and resultant feeling) is temporary and that she didn’t need to latch onto them. So maybe it would be a good idea to go on this trip. After all, she’d love to have the adventure with her spouse.

At other moments her mind thought the trip was a terrible idea. She was still dealing with anxiety about driving on highways; a multiple hour flight could potentially make her very uncomfortable. Travel is filled with uncertainty, and this also was anxiety producing for her. What if she had a panic attack on the flight? What if she spoiled her husband’s experience by being nervous about everything he wanted to do?

After grappling with this for a while, her mind going back and forth between how the trip was a good idea and how it contained certain doom, she asked the group for their thoughts on whether she should go or not. 

When I saw her question I thought, “She’s adding more salt to an already salted stew.”

Here’s what I mean by that.

Adding more thinking to a problem doesn’t solve it.

Just like adding more salt to an already salted dish doesn’t make it taste better. But it’s such an easy trap for all of us to fall into.

We all have problem-solving brains, and one mistake we innocently make so often is over using our thinking to solve problems. Adding more thinking to a problem you’ve already thought about from every angle is not going to help fix it. 

stew

This is where the salted dish metaphor comes in. If you’ve got a dish that you’ve already salted enough (maybe a little too much) adding more salt isn’t going to bring the flavors of that dish into balance.

If you’ve got a problem you’ve already thought about until your head is spinning, adding more thinking isn’t going to solve that problem.

So how do we solve problems?

What if you had access to a completely reliable source where you could always ask your questions and find answers?

Actually, you do have that source. 

At any moment, you have access to the wisdom that flows through everything, the intelligence behind life. Access that your mind tries to convince you it has, but usually it’s just trying to sound smart. 

The next time you’ve got a dilemma, like the one about travel in the example above, try this: set the problem aside. 

The wisdom that you have access to doesn’t come via your stirred up thinking about all the pros and cons and potential benefits or drawbacks.

You’ll know you’re overthinking a problem when your answer or choice doesn’t come with a feeling of peace and you change your mind several times, never feeling like you’ve landed on the right answer. 

Wisdom comes with that feeling of ‘I just know’.

We’ve all had that experience where we ‘just knew’ deep in our gut about a choice we needed to make or the solution to a problem. We’ve all had those moments in the shower when suddenly things seem clear. 

Yet we often innocently persist layering thoughts upon thoughts to try to come up with a solution. And then, sometimes we ask for others’ opinions, as in the travel example above, and this only adds more confusion to the mix. More salt to the already over-salted stew.

Try this the next time you’ve got a choice between A and B, or a problem you don’t know the answer to. Let it go. Your mind might continue to chew on it, and that’s perfectly fine. That’s what minds do. Let it rattle on, like coins in a dryer, knowing that when you know what to do, you’ll know. And if you don’t know what to do yet, don’t do anything. 

Your access to wisdom is always there, 100% of the time. Your thinking will simply try to convince you otherwise. 

Have you had the experience of recognizing the solution to a problem in a moment where your mind is calm or distracted? Please leave your thoughts below and join the conversation.

[Spices and spoons image courtesy Callum Lewis and Unsplash. Stew image courtesy Steve Zeng and Unsplash.]

Uncovery from Eating Disorders, Anxiety and Depression with Amanda Jones

April 10, 2019 By Alexandra Amor

http://media.blubrry.com/stopsufferingabout/p/s3-us-west-2.amazonaws.com/ssapodcast/Ep5AmandaJones.m4a

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What if our suffering is pointing us toward a deeper truth about how life works?

“UncoveryAmanda Jones has lived a life! She was a dancer from a young age, but also suffered with eating disorders, anxiety and depression. She’s now a coach and the author of the book Uncovery, which is a beautiful examination of the very human process of recovery from suffering by understanding how thought works. I was thrilled to have a one-on-one coaching call with Amanda in late 2017 when I enrolled in The Little School of Big Change. It was a delight to talk to her again and learn more about her journey.
Amanda Jones

Amanda Jones is a former dancer, current coach and an author who explores a deep understanding of how our experience works. The implications of this understanding uncovered freedom from eating disorders, depression, and anxiety after 25 years. Looking at what is behind the curtain of our experiences has proven to be the end of a lifelong search and Amanda shares this exploration with others to help uncover their true nature.

You can listen above or on iTunes or your favorite podcast app or watch the video here. Highlights, notes, resources and full transcript below.

You can find Amanda at UncoverySpace.com

Show notes

Uncovery by Amanda Jones
  • On what ‘Uncovery’ means to Amanda
  • In recovery, waiting for the other shoe to drop OR feeling finally at peace
  • On how what we think is triggering us, actually isn’t
  • The difference between correlation and causation when it comes to our thoughts
  • How events don’t cause the spiritual energy of thought

Resources mention in this episode

  • Amanda’s book, Uncovery
  • Dr. Amy Johnson
  • The Little School of Big Change
Continue Reading…

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